Chapter Twenty-Eight:
Here Comes a Thought
The cat stuff was gone, Charlie had seen to that. He had spent a couple of hours here that evening, we had some food and drink and if it wasn’t for Edie, it would have been an average hangout. He came back a few days later to see how things were, this time we ate and drank a bit more. We talked openly for some time, about the things that two guys aren’t meant to talk about. We spoke at length about what was really going on in our lives under the surface. All the words that exist under the thin veneer of just saying ‘fine’ when someone asks how you are.
He spoke about his relationship with Day and how every day he was afraid that he was going to run out of things to talk about, or that she’ll realise that he isn’t that interesting when push came to shove. And to reciprocate, I laid myself open, telling Charlie about the things I had only mentioned in therapy. Things that I had never told him. He just sat there and listened, never judging me, and I never thanked him enough for that.
“I won’t mention this to Day.” He said, I nodded, knowing what he was getting at before he said it. “Hayley will never know.” That was last thing he said as he left, pulling his coat together but for reasons I couldn’t fathom refusing to do it up as he walked out into the night. but there was one thing that he couldn’t get rid of, that was up to me.
I walked back inside, exhausted but happy. Lighter somehow. I sat on the sofa and noticed the newspaper that Charlie had given me some time ago. I guess I never threw it away. I looked at the cartoon section and it seemed that Charlie was right and Day had cut out Hayley’s cartoon for her scrapbook. I flicked through and found the travel section. More specifically, the article in there that was written by Barrie. His photo next to his name, he looked rather normal, not the kind of ‘special’ that my mind had convinced me that he must look like. I had no real intention of reading the article, but the first few lines got me, and then the few after that. Before long I realised that I was laughing out loud and had finished the article. Charlie was right, he was pretty good. I put the newspaper to the side and grabbed the laptop.
Several hours later I was knelt down in the kitchen, trying to jam a pot into a cupboard, when I heard the murmur from above accompanied by a sort of static itch in my head.
“Ah, there you are.” I said aloud as I stood up. “So you’re back then.” I saw Edie on the counter. I had a feeling that this would happen eventually. My last session before the wedding was in a couple of days, so I guess it was convenient that she would turn up now.
“I never left.” I fought the instinct to roll my eyes.
”Makes sense.” I said as I managed to get the pot in and carried on with sorting out the kitchen. “Are you the reason that I no longer dream?” I asked. This had been on my mind for a little while now. And the sudden re-emergence of Edie was the only thing that I could think of.
“I don’t think so. That’s kind of out my remit.” I just stared blankly, noticing that the voice wasn’t coming out of the cat, it didn’t seem to be coming from anywhere.
“Why are you here?” I asked.
“You were lonely. You need me when you’re lonely.” Edie was dividing her attention between talking to me and playing with the water drops out of the tap over the kitchen sink. But stopped when I remembered that that particular tap wasn’t leaky.
“Regardless, you’re going to have to leave. I need to know that everything that’s around me is, you know, real.”
“Real is what you think it is.” For fucks sake. As I thought this Edie jumped for a small moth that had found its way into the kitchen. And I have to say I have no idea whether or not that moth was really there. This had to stop, this had to stop now.
“Regardless.” I repeated. “I don’t know how I got rid of you last time but you need to leave.”
“It doesn’t work like that, you didn’t ‘get rid’ of me. I just wasn’t required. But, I can see that you need this so I’ll give you a break.” I stared at the cat in front of me that wasn’t actually in front of me.
“Thank you, I guess.” The cat looked at the window and I instinctively went to open it and stopped. “Seriously?” I closed my eyes to remind myself that the cat wasn’t real.
“I can hear that.” My eyes still closed I could hear Edie speak. I open up my eyes to see her still standing on the counter.
“Leave.”
“Fair enough, bye for now.” And the cat was gone. It didn’t fade away, or run round a corner, never to be seen again, it was just gone. I sighed and carried on putting stuff away. I was alone in the house.
I left the kitchen, turning off the light as I went. I then walked into the living room and sat down on my sofa and grabbed the laptop that was sleeping on the sofa. I opened the laptop and played the video of breathing exercises. I opened up a new tab, letting the exercises playing in the background.
I open up Social, and looked around. It had been awhile since I had checked in with my friends and seen what was going on with their lives. A few months is a long time in any social calendar. It took about an hour or two to catch up with what had been going on with my friends lives while I had been spending an extended period of time indoors with my imaginary cat.
I had stopped replying to messages so much in recent months. I was sure that I was giving them a chance to not have to hear about Hayley. And because of the lack of replies, they stopped inviting me out to things. But their lives had carried on without me, there had been engagements and break ups, babies born and family members lost. Moments I should have been there for and time that I could never get back. It may have taken an hour or two to catch up but it was going to take much longer to make up for it. But hopefully what Charlie said in the therapy session was true.
I started trying to figure out what I could do to get my friends back, my mind starting to swirl as I came up with idea after idea on what I could do. Big grand gestures to show the world all at once that I was back. But, while I was in the midst of that idea, that’s when it hit me, that’s when I saved myself from the whirlpool of my mind. And the answer was simple.
It all started with a message, and then another, and another. I sent messages directly to friends that I had not spoken to in months. Friends I knew who weren’t going to the wedding, not Nicole, but the people I could say hand on heart that I genuinely missed. I would make an extra effort at the wedding to rebuild friendships face to face. To my surprise the messages were being read and then replied to as quickly as I could send them. I was reclaiming what I had allowed myself to lose. And to think, this mess I found myself in, was all due to my believing that they were done with all my shit. The exchange of messages had been going on for a while when Charlie sent a message saying that he himself was getting messages from friends telling him what I was doing and he told me that he was proud of me. I can’t find the words to tell him what that means to me. The word was out, I was back. I was surprised that people weren’t angry at me, it was mainly confusion that was being fed back. And then, when I was honest about why I had disappeared, the main reaction was laughter.
I was the reason that Edie had arrived in my life. I had completely turned inwards and my mind threw out a lifeboat in the form of a cat sized black cat with a white paw. All to stop me from drowning in my own head. But I didn’t need her anymore and so she left. Edie was only a thought, the friendships that I had neglected were real and they deserved my full attention.
I looked up and saw that the night was making way for morning. I closed the laptop lid and smiled. I needed this more than I knew. I probably wouldn’t get any work done tomorrow but I was excited, I would be seeing my friends soon.
They never left.
Chapter Twenty-Nine:
The Last Session
I was in my session, what would be my last session before the wedding. My memory drifting back to how cold it was when Dr. Harris and I began this journey. And how week after week the climate had become a bit more agreeable. I was on the sofa, sitting up this time, in Dr. Harris’ office, finishing my story. I was excited, and maybe a little hyperactive from the lack of sleep. Which may have explained my entrance to the session earlier.
“I have friends!” I yelled as I walked into the office to Dr. Harris’ surprise. Dr. Harris stood up, probably just a reaction to having a patient walk in shouting. My arms opened up for a hug but then I stopped myself. “You know what, that’s not appropriate.” My arms dropped and I held out my hand to shake hers. She shook back. “I have friends again Doctor.” I said with a massive smile. Dr. Harris smiled back as our hands separated and she sat back into her chair.
“Did you really think that they all had abandoned you?” Dr. Harris said, I nodded. Dr. Harris motioned with her hand for me to sit down on the sofa like she does.
“I really did.” I replied. Dr. Harris shook her head.
“Friendships don’t die that easily.” She said and I nodded again. “Now, tell me how you got some friends. I can’t wait to hear about it.” And that was true, I could see it in her face. Yes, I know, it’s her job. But this time I allowed myself to believe that she really wanted to hear what I had to say, because she actually wanted to rather than the salary. So I told her all of it as I was sitting there. I told her about my last conversation with Edie, about the breathing exercises and then about the messages and the plans that were now being made as a result of those messages.
“… and then I ran in here yelling.” I finished up my story, still smiling and deciding to stay sitting up.
“That is excellent!” Dr. Harris replied smiling from ear to ear. “I always had faith in you Henry.” She sad waving around her Biro like some sort of magic wand. “So, in a few days time you will be making the long journey up north and then attending the wedding of the girl you’ve been obsessed with for years.” She said, smile still there.
“That’s one way of putting it I guess.” I said with an awkward smile now spread across my face.
“It’s the only way to put it, because it’s honest. You have replaced the coping mechanism you’ve had in the background for most of your life. And in her place you have put actual human relationships, the cat helped you when you needed it but look how good the real thing is for you and your general demeanour. And all you needed to do, was do. Action, that’s what’s helped you achieve this breakthrough. Be sure to thank Charlie, seriously, Charlie remembering about the cat helped with this breakthrough also. While you’re out there reconnecting with old friends, don’t forget about Charlie, he’s been there.”
“I won’t, I can’t, he’s done so much.” I replied. She was right, as per usual, I needed to not forget about Charlie. I would do my best to try and hang out with Charlie as much as possible whilst also trying my best not to get in the way of the new relationship that he’s in. And to add to that, meeting up with old friends. I must have blurred slightly because I was kicked out of by the snapping of Dr. Harris’s fingers. “Sorry.” She looked at me for a moment.
“Just hang out like you always would have.” A look of confusion shot across my face. “I’m not just doing doodles in this notebook when you talk. I’ve been sat here for months getting to know you, looking over notes and piecing together an understanding in order to best help you. So, from time to time, it may seem that I can tell what it is you’re thinking.” She said with a shrug as if it was a normal thing. I laughed. Then she said something that I really didn’t expect. “I really think that you should get Charlie to reinstate your D8 account, or alternatively, start a new one and manage it yourself.” I looked at the doctor for a second, and decided to look at the certificates on her wall from the sofa as I replied. My voice became quiet.
“No one liked me last time doctor, not a one. So, um, yeah, I think I’ll leave that one alone if you don’t mind. If honesty is the key, then I have to say, that shit hurt. It’s easy to ignore all other girls when you’re obsessed with someone. But it’s another thing to finally start looking around to then find out that no-one was interested anyway. You know?”
“Don’t you see, that’s fine. You’re are about to watch Hayley get married and you look fine about it and given the progress you’ve been making I can believe it. Even if you’re not, your progress has been remarkable. Why on Earth would you be afraid of strangers rejecting you? All lives have a healthy dose of rejection. If not, we wouldn’t know what to strive for. You’ve got to at least try Henry. Just look how far just a little action has got you. You’ve got to try.” Sometimes it felt like that notepad was just full of one liners that she busted out whenever they were required.
“Yeah I know. Why are you always right?” I asked.
“Aren’t you always right at your job?”
“No.” I said laughing.
“Well that’s something I definitely can’t help you with.” She said.
“I don’t think any translator is ever one hundred percent. You just have to be good at interpreting.” Which I think is true, there’s more to translation than just finding the right word. You have to try and re-imagine what the original writer was trying to convey with their text. Someone that most of the time, not only have you never met but they’ve generally had a completely different life to you and the final reader. And you have to reconcile that.
“And that’s what I do, but with behaviours and mind states.” She pointed behind her. “Those aren’t swimming certificates.” The smile faded from the doctor’s face and I could tell that she was getting serious. She leant forward and I did too, this was then followed by the doctor talking to me in soft tones, as if she was telling me a secret. “Henry, no lie, it’s going to be hard for you to see Hayley get married. You are making terrific progress but if I could have had a month or two more that would have been great. When you came in here with the invitation, I told you, therapy doesn’t work to a schedule. You’ve had quite a few breakthroughs, big ones, in a short period of time. That can sometimes be hard to keep together when you’re out in the world. You have to know in your heart that Hayley is going to be happy. And so can you, if only you allow yourself to.” The doctor took a breath. “You have my number, should you need to talk.” I nodded.
“I appreciate that. But I think I’m going to be okay, I really do. A lot of the wedding will be spent catching up with friends. I’m pretty sure as the bride she’s going to have to do the rounds, going from table to table and that doesn’t really lend itself to long conversations. Yeah, it should be fine. One of the things I’m a bit apprehensive about is the drive up. Charlie has a habit of listening to songs on repeat, for hours.”
“Does the car stereo have a repeat function?”
“No, he just skips backwards when it gets close to the end of the track.”
“Odd. Anyways, we’re getting off track.” I smiled at what she did there. “You have the tools that you need to get through this wedding. But, it’s up to you to use them. I’m rooting for you, I really am.” She then held my hand. “So don’t fuck it up.” We both smiled, she then let go of my hand and sat back in her chair quickly pointing to an empty area of the sofa. “What would you say to Hayley if she was right here, sitting on this sofa with you?” My phone’s timer went off.
“And that’s the end of the session.” I said. I stopped the timer and started making the motions to leave.
“Oh, don’t forget your scarf, it might get cold up there during the night.” Dr. Harris then proceeded to take my scarf out of a cupboard in the corner of the room. “It’s been here for a while. Every time I think to hand it to you something happens to distract me.” I then popped the scarf into my pocket, I had thought that something was missing, but with everything going on I completely forgotten about it. I gave the good doctor a nod and started to leave. “What would you say Henry?” She yelled at me.
“Same thing I’m going to say at the wedding.” I replied half out of the door, red scarf half falling out of my pocket. I took a quick glance up, in the entire session I didn’t actually check on the spot on the ceiling. I’m guessing that she finally got a cleaner in or something, because it was gone. Which was amazing and a little sad. I was staring at the ceiling until my daydream was interrupted.
“Henry?“ She asked.
“Congratulations doc, I’d say congratulations.” Dr. Harris nodded, made a note in her book and closed it. And with that I left to face the world alone.
—
New chapters next Wednesday.
I want to say, thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it.
Till next time.
Comets 
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